Every once in awhile, I am aware that we are being booked as back-up in case a “real” (i.e., male) minister isn’t available for a wedding. If a bride and groom are making their selection of an officiant based on what gender they believe will look better in photographs, I would just as soon that they take a pass on our services.

It doesn’t happen often, and when it does it is usually around a busy holiday, but regardless of when it occurs, it is annoying. I can usually spot the stunt double shopper right away, but on rare occasion, I am duped. Because we don’t require contracts and deposits (out of 500 couples, we have been stung exactly twice, which aren’t bad odds), it is possible for a couple to obtain all the text for a customized ceremony, and then decide to “go with somebody else.”

It’s not fair, it’s really bad karma, and it’s a heck of a way to start out married life — with a “stolen” ceremony. 

Anybody is welcome to whatever text is posted on our Website as part of our samples. It is all worthy work, and I am glad to feed the Internet with something that is usable and easy to obtain. However, it is just sort of slimey to procure a half-hour individually tailored and choreographed wedding celebration, then had it to Uncle Oscar to stand and deliver.

We don’t require a couple to sign a contract and make a deposit for our services. I believe we are unusual in our approach, as many people think we have taken leave of our senses. “You’ll get burned someday,” we are often told.

We’ll take that chance. We have performed hundreds of ceremonies over the years, from weddings to funerals, and have never had to take a loss. We have been paid in little sandwich bags of nickels and dimes, that a bride gathered together over months and months to pay for her own wedding. We were pleased to accept her payment in bits and pieces, and we pulled out all the stops for her when she proudly went down the aisle on the arm of her smiling son. I would never have required her to sign a contract or pay a deposit because I knew she was as sincere a bride as I would ever serve.

We like to give people a chance to be their best — which is what they should be when they approach something as monumentally important as marriage. We still believe that most couples we assist have their priorities straight. They come to us because they have made, as we say, a very private commitment that they want to share in public.

Someday, we may lose a few dollars along the way. But compared to what we have already gained, it is a loss I am willing to absorb, if it ever occurs. 

It can happen for all the right reasons — you need to pull together a wedding in less time than you usually allow to throw together a kid’s birthday party. Maybe you’re the unexpected bride (or groom). Perhaps it’s a son or daughter, or close friend. Regardless — a wedding is a celebration, and even if it’s planned at warp speed, it can still be beautiful and meaningful.

Here’s a list of pointers:

1. Get your marriage license right now. In Arizona, it’s good for a year. You both have to go to get it, so don’t delay. You can’t be legally married without it. Check our website (http://www.spiritandlight.net/) for the most convenient location.

2. Secure the services of an officiant or minister. Don’t leave this critical detail until later. Do it now.

3. Choose a location. Depending on your anticipated guest list, you can tie the knot in almost any location that will allow you to have a bit of privacy and a little space. 

Some suggestions are: (1) Your own living room or back yard. It’s convenient, the price is right, and it doesn’t take all that much to make things looks romantic and special. You can buy or rent an arch, add some twinkle lights, and presto — it’s fairyland; (2) A park or botanical garden. If there is a fee at all, it is likely to be minimal; (3) A restaurant. Some of them are absolutely gorgeous, and many have rooms that are multi-purpose. Even a local eatery can be converted into very suitable venue for a wedding; (4) Hotel, or bed and breakfast. You might be amazed at how romantic a small wedding can be on a secluded patio or a flower-draped balcony. (5) Water park after hours, or late in the evening when most of the little kids have gone home. It’s the perfect location for a tropical theme, and substitutes nicely for a “beach” wedding in an expensive remote location.

4. Select your wedding clothes based on where you’re getting married. You can ditch the cathedral train, and opt for whatever dress turns you into a princess. Whatever you select, make sure you feel pretty when you put it on. (Note to groom: you can opt for handsome). Don’t overlook some of the truly lovely loungewear and at-home wear that is available. Embellished sandals for women are almost universally accepted these days, even at more formal weddings. And give yourself a gift and junk the pantyhose.

5. Buy your wedding rings. If you are on a starvation budget, stay with basic gold bands and look for the killer sales at such places as Kohl’s, WalMart, KMart, and on Ebay. Nobody will ever know unless you open your big mouth that you got a 14 karat gold ring for a few dollars on an auction site at 3 AM.

6. Check out Costco or Sam’s Club for wedding cake deals. If you are getting married in a few hours, go straight to your favorite grocery store, head back to the bakery and beg. They can work miracles.

7. If you can’t get a symapthetic florist to help you, Costco, Sam’s Club, and the grocery store are all good bets for flowers. Tell the floral department manager at Safeway that you are getting married pronto, and let him or her help you. Remember to be appreciative and say “thanks.” You’ll get the best flowers that way.

8. No time for decorations? Float candles and/or flowers in pretty bowls filled with water.

9. Download a few of your favorite songs from iTunes or something similar, and put them on a CD in the order you want them played at your ceremony. The friend you press into service as an emergency DJ will bless you.

10. Treat your wedding with the dignity it deserves, even if you exchange vows with just your beloved in front of an officiant and a couple of witnesses. This is one of the most important moments in your lives. Remember it, cherish it, and let it be a happy memory.

We have always marketed our services as being “whatever the couple wants”, as long as it doesn’t include illegal or Satanic elements. I forgot to include “mean and hateful.” Silly me.

Recently, we were summoned to assist a couple who prides themselves in being different, edgy, over the top. I swallowed some of my initial misgivings that they were not treating their wedding with the same kind of seriousness that I feel such an occasion deserves. But hey, it wasn’t my day, it wasn’t my wedding to plan, and it wasn’t my happy ever after at stake.

The night of the rehearsal, I discovered that the bride intended to wear a very short dress, a very long veil, and arrive to the strains of a theme from a well-known horror movie. I said little, and kept my face as placid as possible. We made it through the logistics of the rehearsal with few problems, and I had observed all the “dos and don’ts” that she had proscribed, which included “no escorting of the bride down the aisle.”

Her father — dressed in his best wash and wear suit and fresh off a 2,000 mile flight from someplace depressed and far away in the Midwest that required major arrangements to fly out of — came up to me and said, “You don’t have any need for me?”

I looked into his eyes, and he said, “I even got the tux she wanted. Doesn’t she want me to walk her down the aisle?”

I said, “Let me check on the logistics.”

I went into the room where the bride was holding court with her equally snarky bridesmaids, and I said, “What about your father? He rented a tux on your behalf.”

She said, “So?”

I said, “He also bought a plane ticket, traveled for hours, and he’s old. He wants to walk you down the aisle.”

She said, “Well, okay.”

I said, “Right answer. Because you aren’t going to be cruel on my watch, even if it is your wedding.”

I told him that we had “forgotten” to practice his part, because we had started from the end of the ceremony and had worked backwards (a common rehearsal technique, so everybody knows where he or she is supposed to end up).

He was satisfied. The bride found something or somebody else to make fun of. And I realized that I had just broken my own primary law. I had not deferred to the wishes of the couple.

So now I have a “no mean people” rule. I also don’t club baby seals.

Good wedding planning reduces the wedding day crazies. The devil is certainly in the details of any bride’s big day.

We have seen some common pitfalls, and they are mentioned here in no particular order. DON’T FORGET THE MARRIAGE LICENSE. Many ministers will not proceed with a wedding without one. We have been known to go ahead with the festivities, and catch up with the happy couple immediately after the “party” — because that’s what a wedding is until the paperwork is done. 

Before you get snarky about commitment ceremonies, let me add that our same sex couples would be thrilled to have marriage licenses to forget. Not a one would ever leave the plain brown envelope at home. We do issue certificates attesting to the vows they have exchanged, the date of the exchange, and have it witnessed by two other adults. 

Shoes. Be sure you remember to bring them. We have had two brides get married in somebody else’s.

Bride, if you’re leaving the country on your honeymoon, don’t make your reservations in your married name. Leave them in your current name. The increased security levels since 9-11 mean that your passport, tickets, etc. have to match exactly. If your passport, driver’s license and photo ID says “Smith” (your name before the wedding), and all of your reservations and tickets say “Chavez” (your new married name), it’s a sure bet you’re not going anywhere but a stateside Holiday Inn. 

Pay your officiant. It should go without saying. But I’m saying it anyway.

I pride myself on being able to find good in almost anybody. The operative term here is “almost.” Recently I found myself up close and personal with a human being that if she did have any redeeming qualities, kept them very well hidden indeed.

I was called to do a very small, impromptu wedding for two young (but not too young) people who had decided to get married while her parents were in town for a visit. I agreed to do the honors, but did give a heads up to all concerned that I had another ceremony two hours after theirs.

I spoke to the bride on the phone about what kind of ceremony she and her groom wanted, and her mother interrupted so many times that the young woman finally said, “Here. Why don’t you just talk to my mother and see what she wants. Whatever you do will be fine with me.”

The uncharming mother of the bride proceeded to tell me that she wouldn’t tolerate anything “off the wall, or strange.” And I was to “make damn sure God was mentioned.”

Interesting choice of words, don’t you think?

My somewhat limited conversation with the bride had left me with a sense of what to do, and I spent more time than usual preparing a ceremony. I also created a keepsake booklet — which I can’t always do when there is less than 24 hours notice — and I arrived in plenty of time for the wedding.

The marriage license had been left behind in the chaos of the day, so while I waited for it to be retrieved, I had plenty of time to observe the mother in action. She screeched at anybody within earshot, and browbeat the small child who had agreed to be the ring bearer, and despite the wedding venue owner’s most noble efforts to accommodate a last minute event, she (the mother) attempted to shave money off the price.

I also learned as I was waiting that the mother had called up the night before and had demanded a male officiant. The wedding venue owner said there was no time, and the female officiant (that would be yours truly) had already been verbally contracted by the bride, who was the party in charge. The truth is, I had already put in several hours of preparation and the booklet was printed by the time this all transpired.

When told that no male officiant would be forthcoming, and that they were lucky to have any officiant at all, the mother spat out, “I just know she will look like a big old lesbian.”

Fortunately, I was not present for this exchange and I did not have to dignify a remark of this level of stupidity with a monosyllabic response. What I did manage to do was deliver a very tender and sweet ceremony to a deserving young couple who have more on their plate as they start out than most people have in a lifetime.

I think back on my own mother-in-law, Jane, and I am grateful all over again that she was so much fun. I remember my own sweet little tomboy of a mom, and I offer up thanks that I was spared so much.

Weddings have gotten out of control. The expense and pressure associated with planning what should be one of the most happy days of a couple’s life has broken up more than one marriage before it ever got started.

If you don’t want to go the way of a mini-coronation — whatever your reason — then just don’t. Refuse to get on the fast track to stress and debt.

However, keeping it very simple doesn’t mean that you have to keep it stark. Some of the most romantic, memorable weddings we have officiated for were also some of the most economical we have ever encountered. We made notes, and added some suggestions of our own. In this blog, we will share what we have learned.

Invocation
Lord, you are the greatest of all gifts
And the Giver of all goodness.
Please look on us today as we come together
In love and hope.
We face an old enemy with new determination,
Using laughter as our sword
And friendship as our shield.
Help us reach those who need us,
And guide our hands towards healing
Both body and spirit.
Let our memories of today be
Those of hours spent with
Friends both old and new.
As our purses grow lighter,
Make the future grow brighter.
We ask these things in the names of our sisters and brothers
Who fight cancer every day,
That they be lifted up and given courage and comfort. Amen.

Benediction
Thank you for calling us
From the busyness of our lives
To the business of life itself.
We are grateful for the time together,
For shared laughter and stories,
And the power that is felt
When women come together.
We find joy in humor, hats and all,
And the lightness of a burden shared.
Send our message out far beyond
The ears that hear today.
Keep us always in Your sight,
At home and away,
And let us not forget that we are all
Family to each other,
In sickness and in health,
Forever and ever. Amen.

I was recently a bridesmaid for a bride with approximately the same life expectancy as my own. Together, our ages add up to way more than 100. Suffice it to say, we skewered the demographics at the bridal salon when we went to have our dresses fitted. Or in my case, when I went to get my dress and suppress a fit.

There were more yards of periwinkle satin involved in the construction of “Big Blue” than drape the entire cast of the Ice Follies during a salute to the Snow Queen. Because the wedding was a last minute major upgrade from a civil ceremony, there was no time for alterations, so the dress added insult to injury by being two sizes too big. No problem, I was told. Just cover up the top with the matching stole. (The bride found a lovely dress that fit her perfectly. Of course she did.)

Because the aforementioned bride is very dear to my heart, I offered no overt resistance. I focused instead on her obvious joy, and more or less ignored my own misgivings at appearing in public in lots of shiny material, and where unrestrained photographs would be taken. I would regret this later, especially after I was also informed that Estee Lauder does not make a spackle.

The wedding was scheduled for 9 PM on New Year’s Eve. At approximately 7:30, I removed Big Blue from her protective plastic bag, and began to get ready. By 8:00, I was still attempting to find a pair of pantyhose that would do their job without turning everything from my waist down into a giant slingshot, and that would permit me to walk unassisted, at least for short distances. At 8:15, my husband David attempted to lend his assistance. Some time later, the room appeared to fill with adults determined to help, but whose combined engineering skills could not create the force and logistics required to (1) get me into pantyhose, and (2) get me and the pantyhose into Big Blue. However, by 8:30 and five destroyed pairs of pantyhose later, we were in business. And more to the point, I was in Big Blue.

All in all, it was a lovely evening. The bride cried. The groom cried. And I didn’t, even after my husband emailed pictures of the celebration to the immediate world and a couple of relatives that I thought were dead already.

But I’ll be in therapy for awhile for PTSD — Post Traumatic Satin Dress.

Writing wedding ceremonies is the original risky business. You don’t want to sound too stuffy and old-fashioned, but on the other hand you don’t want to get too casual. It also helps if the couple is reasonably sober. Nothing spoils a mood like projectile vomiting.The first time I ever helped with a ceremony that included the release of doves, we lofted a pair into the air outside the church – and they were hit by a hawk that seemed to come out of nowhere. Wham. It was just an explosion of feathers and a lot of screaming after that. Music can present its own challenges, too. You want to let the couple have their own way, because it’s their day, and their celebration. But it’s hard to work some songs into the festivities. I actually had a couple request golden oldie, “My Boyfriend’s Back” because it was their favorite song. I did talk them into saving it for the reception. They countered by requesting “We’ve Only Just Begun.” I felt like I’d still lost. It’s another rule of thumb that when the bride is seen making out at the reception with the groom’s brother, things are off to a rocky start.

You have to be careful about where the wedding pictures are taken, too, especially in a church. I remember the one couple whose entire wedding album showed them under a banner that said, “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.”I was also sort of glad to get past having to write vows for what can best be described as “theme weddings.” Although the friend of mine who got married on Halloween dressed as a ladybug did score points with me because her husband was dressed as an aphid. They’re still married, too. And happily.Caryn and I did have to put together a ceremony of sorts for a couple we just started calling the “Woogums” clan. It was a blended family, and the bride and groom were all over each other and so “beary, beary much in wuv.” The wedding apparel was sort of Kate Greenway meets Victoria’s Secret, and every detail was micro-managed by the groom’s mother, who was traditional early American battle-ax. The music was somewhere between “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” and “It’s a Small World After All.”The reception was also entirely vegan, which is fine. Except that it was the dead of summer, Illinois, and an outdoor wedding. So the guests were all filled up with bean spreads and cabbage chased down with fruit punch, with predictable results. It was sort of make it yourself hot air balloons.

I gave the whole marriage about a week and a half.We recently did a wedding up in Prescott that took place at a dude ranch. However, the bride had Princess Diana in mind when she picked out her dress. That sort of shot the budget, so the reception was mostly beer and baloney roll-ups, and not a lot of that, either.When she came down the aisle, which was just a few feet long up onto an improvised gazebo, her train wouldn’t turn the corner. Which wasn’t a real problem, because the wind had taken hold of it and lofted it like a kite in back of her. The little boy assigned the task of wrestling the train did his best, and finally said to me “Ma’am, if you could just get me started, I think I can ride it the rest of the way.”It was sort of an interesting evening anyway. I wiled away some of the time trying to find a common theme in the tattoos. The father of the bride had a real mixed media thing going — Our Lady of Guadalupe on one arm and a Little Annie Fannie retrospective going on the other. Sort of the sacred and the profane. Fortunately, when he took his hair out of the ponytail, it sort of obscured some of the naked ladies.

Caryn asked the bride if she and her husband were going to be able to take a honeymoon. She said it was sort of hard to get away when the baby was still breast-feeding.